


Sadly making sense

by RedJumper



Series: A Troubled Mind [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Especially when you're a closeted nhl player, Guilt, M/M, Pre Getting Together, Rated t for swearing I think, Slight sexist reference- just a mention, breaking up, jack doesn't have the right mindset for a relationship, relationship and feelings are messy, samwell - Freeform, taters wedding is a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24279604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedJumper/pseuds/RedJumper
Summary: Jack knows he won't be happy anyomore but it's easier than hurting the man that he loves.
Relationships: Alexei "Tater" Mashkov & Jack Zimmermann, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, alexei "Tater" mashkov/OFC
Series: A Troubled Mind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1752712
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	1. It makes me sad

**Author's Note:**

> Title + chapter names from A Troubled Mind by Noah Kahan.
> 
> Don't own any of the characters asides form Tazia. Ngozi does.
> 
> Wrote this in about a hour or less because I got the idea. I mostly wrote it because I saw it was Mental Heath Awareness week and I wanted to show how damageing hiding a relationship can be to all members involved. I could've wrote more on the matter but I don't typically write Zimbits so it was quite difficult.

He can't do this anymore. He can't do it to himself or to Bitty. The may be articles out there discussing how strong Jack Zimmermann is for being able to return after an overdose. But he's not strong for this. He doesn't know how he ever convinced himself he was. 

\--

There's a knock on his bedroom door and Jack looks up for the essay he's writing to see Bitty leaning against the doorway. "Brought up some procrastination cookies for you" 

Jack puts his open laptop onto his bedside table. He'll get to back to it in a minute, once Bitty leaves. "You know, you should be working instead of baking."

"Why Mr Zimmermann I am aware of that. However I do not care, the cookies get their name from somewhere after all." Bitty's lips are curled up in a soft smile and Jack has to look away. 

Bitty comes over and sits at the end of his bed, with his back against the wall. Waving the plate of cookies in front Jack he asks "Sure you don't want any? I can give them away to Holster if not."

There's no damn way Holster is getting his cookies so Jack takes the bait and leans over to take a cookie. "They're good."

"That's what you say every time."

"Doesn't make it less true." Bitty' smile widens and Jack can feel his heart beat faster. 

\--

At this point he's surprised that his floorboards haven't been worn down by all his pacing. He loves Bitty. Really, he does. And he knows Bitty loves him back. The loving each other isn't what he's trying to convince himself of. It's the telling other of that love, he is trying to get his mind to agree with. He stops for a second, takes a huge breath and then breathes out. He continues to pace. 

He can't keep hurting Bitty. He knows Bitty has to tell people. The man thrives on acceptance and happiness. Loves the support he gets from everyone around him. It's one of the things Jack lives about him, the need for support brought them closer together after all. 

It's just he can't do this anymore. He doesn't know have to tell Bitty he can't do this anymore. Just knows he can't do it anymore. Loving Bitty is the hardest easiest thing he's ever done. He can't tell Bitty not tell anyone because that will destroy them both. He can't tell Bitty to tell people because that will destroy him. Jack knows he's being selfish with his request, even through his therapist- the only person that knows - told him he's not. He's hurting Bitty and he can't seem to stop. He doesn't want to stop. Stopping means breaking up and Jack doesn't know if he can handled that. But at the same time he doesn't think he can handle being together. 

\--

He's looks stupid but that's all Tater's fault. He's been standing by the bar for the past half hour, waving off all the single women that's looked him up and down. The women clearly have terrible taste considering he's wearing a yellow shirt with a purple tie, he looks like he has jaundice while also being a seven year old's artwork. That's what Tater's mostly being blamed for since that's what he decided his bestmen should wear. But Tater also being blame for Jack standing by the bar looking like an idiot. Jack doesn't have a reason for blaming him but he needs someone to shoulder the blame and the happy groom is perfect. 

Said happy groom is currently centre place on the dancefloor with his hands around the waist of his beautiful bride. Tazia Walters is not who Jack ever wouldn't expected to be with Tater, or really any NHLers. What with her shoulder length black hair and colourful sleeve of tattoos on both arms. He admits he is judging him based on the WAGs stereotypes but who can blame him. They apply to his dating life after all. Well asides from the fact Bitty is a guy. Jack chuckles, even through its sounds so damn hollow, into his drink. Fuck, he's sad at his best friend's wedding. Go figure. 

\--

Bitty deserves someone thats going to grab him from his seat and drag him onto the dancefloor. Someone that will put his arms around his waist and pull closer and closer together. Bitty deserves (as degrading as stereotypes can be) to join the group of blondes that fill the box to watch games at the arena. Jack can't give him that. Doesn't think he ever can. 

Jack stops his pacing, looks over at the bookcase that hold a dozen photo frames and sees the one of him and Bitty. It's hidden in the back, away from preying eyes. It should be front and centre. They look so happy, Jack has his arms around Bitty and they're both smiling at the camera. Bitty had taken it while they were they watching some movie in his old bedroom room at the haus. 

Jack carefully removes the photo from where it sits and starts to remove the folds on the back of it. His hands jitter and his fingers feel to fat to to it. But eventually he manages. He holds the photo delicately and a drop of water hits the paper. Jack hadn't even realised his eyes were watering. 

Tearing up the photo is harder than anything he has ever done. But he can't cause Bitty anymore pain just because his mind is making him afraid of the truth. 

The next week is when he actually does the hardest thing he has ever done: breaking up with Bitty.


	2. It takes me back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't going to add more but got this idea and it fitted with the previous chapter so guess this is my first multi chapter fix (?)

Two weeks later he’s having lunch with Marty and Tater at a small cafe near the arena. They managed to get him to agree because they had said they would use the time to talk plays for next week's games. However, since the minute they stepped into the cafe, they haven't stopped talking about Tater’s plan for his honeymoon. Instead of the regret and jealousy, Jack can feel the guilt clawing all the way up his spine and stopping at his throat, unable to make its way out. He sits there, quiet, not talking. He just tries to focus on who's saying what and what they're saying but it's getting harder when his brain will only focus on Bitty, when his mouth won't move to change the subject.

He listen ands listens as Marty recommends city after city to Tater. When he starts talking about South American cities, Jack tries to talk again but the words won't reach his tongue.

He had planned to take Bitty to Montreal in the post season, introduce him properly to his parents. He hadn't told Bitty that yet. It was going to be a surprise. A 'thank for putting up with me' present. It's hard to remind himself just why he thought it was a good idea to break up with Bitty. But then he remembers what he was going to say and remembers that breaking up was the best thing for both of them. He remembers how his heart stopped beating and his brain lost all function whenever someone mentioned a significant other anywhere near him. 

Theres a clattering of metal and Jack looks up to see if a waiter had dropped something but what he sees is Marty and Tater looking at him with concerns in their eyes. Jack's brows furrow and it's then he realises he dropped his fork on the floor. 

They walk back to the arena and Jack has to be careful not to break into a run. He walks with Marty and Tater at the casual pace they sit and pushes the adrenaline down. He'll take it out at practise. He'll probably have to use his left arm if the damn shaking doesn't stop but hopefully coach won't notice. If he does, Jack will come up with something. Not an injury through. They play the Habs next week and there's no way Jack is missing that game. 

Marty turns and says something to him and Jack just nods his head despite not hearing a word that came out of his mouth. He should be listening, in case they finally start talking about the team. He's an alternate, he has to start acting like one. The Falcs gave him that position with no proof he deserved it and he has to prove he's capable of the job. He doesn't deserve it but he will do a good job since he has to. Being a captain of an NHL team was written in the stars for Jack and people expect him to become one. If he can't prove he can be an alternate than there's no way he get to be captain. At least through his own talent and not nepotism. Jack's stomach falls each time he remembers how he got his position and his chest feels heavy each time he looks at Williams, who should've gotten the A. Jack got it because his father was a great player, is a legend but that doesn't mean Jack is. He doesn't even deserve to be in the NHL but he wants it so much. He's willing to feel guilt everyday if it means he can still play. 

The guilt of being able to play when he knows not many people would've been given this second chance isn't as bad as the guilt he gets when he had turned down each of Shittys calls this week. Jack doesn't know if Bitty was so angry at him that he told their friends but he didn't want to find out. Jack hurt him and doesn't deserve to still be friends with him anymore. Doesn't deserve anyone that he's friends with from Samwell. Or anyone from anywhere, really. The sooner Shitty realise that, the sooner Jack can stop feeling guilty for not calling back. 

They reach the arena and Jack's just about to follow Marty to the gym when Tater places a hand on his shoulder. 

"You okay?" No. 

"I'm fine," Tater's raised brow is proof Jack need to get better at acting "Just worried about the game tomorrow." There, place the blame on hockey, everyone already knows he can't handle the pressure. 

"Game will be fine. We're better than Rangers. With us on line together, we squash them like spider."

"Bug," Jack automatically corrects "or ant. We'll squash them like a bug."

Tater's lips quirk up into what would look like a smirk on anyone but on him just looks like a smile. "Exactly. That's the sprit." 

"You played me."

"Who me?," Tater puts a hand on his chest and bugs out his eyes "I am just unfamiliar with your American idioms. So stupid, no need for them." Jack can feel the corners of his own lips start to tug up. 

"You won't be able to get away with pretending you lack English skills for much longer." 

Now Tater's smile actually looks like a smirk and he says something in Russian before running down the hallway towards the gym. 

Fuck, Tater deserves the captain spot that Jack will probably be handed on silver platter. Tater is what a captain should be. He's someone that can make you smile without even trying. Reassure you without making it into a big deal. Jack can't do that. He tried at Samwell but even then he only ever really helped Bitty - and there was completely different reason for doing that. Jack can barely reassure himself, much less other people. If he ever gets captain, he won't take it, he'll give it to Tater. He'll make sure of it. 

Jack looks up from his feet, realises that he hasn't moved an inch since Tater left. He looks around to see if anyone had caught him zoning out and notices Tater has waited at the end of the hallway for him. 

He runs over to Tater - better not to keep him waiting anymore - and flashes a quick smile at him. He knows Tater wants to ask, wants to offer more kind words but Jack can't handle that so he just suggests they head to the gym. Tater nods but before he starts moving, he puts an arm around Jack's shoulder to make sure he follows along.

**Author's Note:**

> Jack expresses he's selfish for his feeling in this. He's not, anyone in the same scenario is not. He has anxiety and that's the main cause of it. It's not selfish to want something or to be happy. Bitty entered the relationship knowing he would have to hide. It takes two to tango.


End file.
